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And I love her.

Having to wait 266 days, or 6384 hours, or 383040 minutes, or 22982400 seconds in return for 8 awesome days with you, it was all worthwhile. You gave me a meaning to life, sayang.

Beauty defined.

Happy us.

Happy feet.

Awkward smile.

The very smile when she gets a whole chicken to herself.

Blowing chopsticks.

Fishing trip.

My bestfriend.:)

 

Our cute little Holden Barina.

Well, birds.

Sun bathing.

Sexy.

Like a boss.

But tonight darling, I wish you were in my arms, like the nights we had.

Missing you, sayang.

New Year.

Last Monday, I had to send my grandma back to hometown cause my uncle was still at Penang. She needed to clean up the house and prepare things for the new year. I was free so I went back with her. Being at hometown means being out from my comfort zone. No television, no internet, nothing. We reached in the evening that day. Everything were dusty and there were just too many things to clean up. Grandma started to clear off some dust since there will be a maid coming over to clean the place up the next day. So, didn’t really clean up except essential stuffs like cups, tables and chairs. There’s nothing for me to do, I could have helped my grandma but I didn’t know where to start from. I walked back and forth, wandering blankly. Watched cars pass by the road, seeing unknown faces passing by. Before realizing it, the sky turned dark. It was getting late so we headed out for dinner. Back home, everything was so still and silent. I turned on the laptop after dinner, watched movies to kill time. Grandma just sat on the chair, nothing to watch since there isn’t television. So I went over and sat with her, listened to her stories that she has to tell. Grandma then talked about us, asking how were you doing. I couldn’t keep it away from her any longer so I told her that we’re over. Sigh. Tears filled my eyes when I finally told her. She asked why, probably she guessed it was because you were too busy at the moment so we parted. I wished I could explain it to grandma but I was afraid I couldn’t hold back my tears then. Thus, I took a deep breathe and walked to the toilet to wash my face. Still, I can’t let it out.

Friday. I’m back at KL. Went out with Marie and Siong Tat for lunch and shopping but ended with nothing. Sunday is Chinese New Year and coincidentally, Valentine’s Day as well. I planned to give her something as a gift though we won’t be celebrating it together. Maybe, just a simple gift for her. I had this gift in mind, probably it wouldn’t mean anything to you. I asked my friends opinion and they said it was a good idea, but to me, I guess it will just turn into a wasted effort. Yet, I took the effort to perfect my gift for you but I guess there just isn’t enough time left. Even if it was done, how could I get it to you by then. Sigh. Maybe, another day.

It’s Chinese New Year today but I’m not in the mood for it. Everything just don’t seem right. No mood, no feeling, nothing. I tried contacting you but I guess you’re busy. Nothing I could do about it. Night falls. We met up with our uncle, aunty and cousins. Texted you again yet same response. At times it seems that you give me hope yet at times I see that you’ve made your decision. Why so.. It just confuses me. Sigh. I pretend to put on smiles everyday, wonder if they know it’s just a show. I’ve tried and tried, blocking up the pain I feel inside. The pain of wanting you. Wanting you.

Anyway, Happy Chinese New Year to whoever who stumbles upon this page though I know this page is only viewed by me alone. Sigh. Good night.

Down.

Time is ticking. Hours have past me by. Sleep, why won’t you just let me sleep? I’m so tired of thinking but it’s beyond my control. Why do I still long for you? Why do I go hurt my feelings by looking at unnecessary things? I can’t help it, I just needed to know how you’re doing. Holding all the feelings of hurt inside me, bear it longer I can’t. Why is it just so hard to put it down. Won’t you teach me? Sigh.

1분 1초

I can’t let go(go go go)
어딜 봐도 네 모습이 보이고(무너지는 내 맘)
숨길 수가 없어 baby 단 기다리는 1분 1초도

I can’t let go(go go go)
어딜 가도 네 목소리 들리고(부서지는 심장)
숨쉴 수가 없어 baby 단 기다리는 1분 1초도
(한 순간도 단 1분 1초도)

그 날 넌 머리가 맘에 안 들고 눈이 부었다고 다시 잠 들고
난 외투를 벗으며 말 없이 삐지고 전화길 들어 밥을 시키고
커튼을 치고 몇 시간이 지났는지도 모르고 watchin’ DVD’s (just you and me)
어깨에 기댄 너의 숨소리 난 나가지 않길 잘했다고 생각했지

우습게도 이런 기억들이 아직도 날 괴롭힌다
문득 네가 했던 농담들이 기억나고 무너진다
아무것도 아닌 순간들이 오늘도 날 뒤엎는다
문득 네가 짓던 표정들이 기억나고 부서진다

I can’t let go(go go go)
어딜 봐도 네 모습이 보이고(무너지는 내 맘)
숨길 수가 없어 baby 단 기다리는 1분 1초도
(시간이 멈추고 심장이 멈춰도)

I can’t let go(go go go)
어딜 가도 네 목소리 들리고(부서지는 심장)
숨쉴 수가 없어 baby 단 기다리는 1분 1초도
(한 순간도 단 1분 1초도)

그 어딜 가도 창가 옆 모퉁이 구석자리에
앉을 때 손을 포개 놓지 왼쪽 다리에
피곤해 하품할 땐 닦은 눈물을 보곤 해
그리곤 바보처럼 웃어 양 볼엔 보조개

물을 마실 땐 항상 세워 둔 새끼손가락
눈이 부셨어 윤기나던 검은 머리카락
서툰 젓가락질조차 매력이라 말했어
부르튼 입술도 난 영원하길 바랬어

This is LOV to the E
그 사소했던 기억이 맘을 뒤섞고 나를 뒤엎고
눈물은 끝이 없지(없지)
사랑은 폭풍도 흔들지 못하는 마음을
몰아치는 빗물 한 방울 the little memories

술찬처럼 비워진 투명해진 우리의 작은 추억들
돌이키려 돌아 봐도 다신 만들 수 없는 그대와의 기억
어젯밤 꿈처럼 선명한데 날 떠났네

I can’t let go(go go go)
어딜 봐도 네 모습이 보이고(무너지는 내 맘)
숨길 수가 없어 baby 단 기다리는 1분 1초도
(시간이 멈추고 심장이 멈춰도)

I can’t let go(go go go)
어딜 가도 네 목소리 들리고(부서지는 심장)
숨쉴 수가 없어 baby 단 기다리는 1분 1초도
(한 순간도 단 1분 1초도)

한 순간도 단 1분 1초도
I can’t let go

(I can’t let go)  순간의 작은 속삭임도
(한순간도) 달콤한 둘만에 비밀도
(아름다웠던 만큼 슬펐던 그대와 나)
내 눈물이 그대에게 기억될수 있을까

(I can’t let go) 둘만의 버릇과 습관도
(한순간도) 그 아름다웠던 순간도
(아직 한순간도 단 1분 1초도)
되돌릴 수가 없어 단 1분 1초도

Lost.

Where do I go from here? What am I suppose to do? Who can I share my feelings with? When will I see you again? How long more this heartache of mine will last? Sigh. I’m lost without your love. It’s so hard to go through a day without you. Thinking that I could but always ended up with tears getting in the way. How I wish I could sleep through the night and waking up remembering nothing else. But this just won’t happen for you always appear in my dreams. Sigh. Oh Lord, take my hand and lead me I pray.

Hours.

It’s just hours more till morning comes and I’m here wandering aimlessly. I’m feeling tired and aching all over my body. Sleeps have not been kind to me lately, giving me only a couple of hours and each time bringing me back to reality with tormented dreams. Waking up sweating, confused, scared yet emotional. Heartbeats might have even beat twice as fast as it should. This give me thoughts of taking antidepressant, that’s only if  the state I am in turned worse. Every day and night, you’ve been staying on my mind. Every little thing that I do, it just reminds me of you. All the time we used to be together, sharing and enjoying each other company. Those times are gone now. Sigh. Memories flashback. And when it does, my heart aches so bad that it makes tears flow from my eye. Pain, is all I felt. How I wish I could get rid of all these feelings once and for all. Keeping it in heart would just hurt oneself more. Feelings of sorrow, sadness, get rid I must.  Though I know it myself that it won’t be possible to happen in just a couple of days, I just hope it doesn’t last till months or worse still, years. Sigh. And now.. 12 more hours till my flight. Supposedly it will be a fun trip but now I don’t even feel like going for it. Why o’ why.. Nothing can turn back time now. The feelings we used to share have left her, so far away that it wouldn’t return no matter what.  Even with my might, nothing can be done to change the fact. Let bygones be bygones.

At this moment.

This blog has been left alone for a whole year and the same fate has come upon me. Sigh. I’m feeling so lost.

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